If you know me you know I never really sleep. The past week or so has been extreme even for me. Going to bed after 3am and getting up at 8am day after day is just plain wrong. Being sleep deprived clouds my judgement and makes me kind of edgy. Caffeine is an answer but doesn't help with the falling to sleep problem. I eye the ambien the Dr gave me but the bottle sits untouched, right next to the pain killers leftover from when I broke my ass.
So, yeah. I am delirious. Apologies in advance for any snippets of pissy brought to you by my inner bitch today. Its hard to keep her in her dungeon at the best of times. Today its gonna be a job.
Yesterday I wrote a little bit about trust, an idea which is still rolling around in my head. People say trust has to be earned and is easily broken, which is certainly true. Beyond that truism, I think trust is a gift that we give to someone else. We hand over a little bit of ourself and in doing so we become vulnerable to their actions. And that little bit of truth, my dear friends, is why I spend a hell of a lot of time on my own. I would really prefer not to be any more vulnerable than I already am, so handing over a bit of me to anyone else? Well I sort of just don't.
Just to be clear -- I am not really even talking about some deep, love relationships here. I am talking about garden variety friendships. Over the past year I had a couple people deepen my already ocean size pool of vulnerable and frankly I sort of felt like I was done in SL. Being the introvert that I am I don't need to be surrounded by throngs and I do way better in small groups where people know my many quirks and kind of like me anyway. So, handing over that little bit of me to new people was kind of off the table.
But that scared, "don't come near me -- I am just gonna sit here and lick my wounds" stuff only lasts for so long. Lately I have been thinking its time for me to start living again. It is time for me to actually respond positively when people reach out and say something really scary like "hey wanna hang out?"
I will let you know how it all works out, k?