212 of 365 "This post brought to you by fear, sleep deprivation, coffee, the letter J and the number 4"

If you know me you know I never really sleep. The past week or so has been extreme even for me. Going to bed after 3am and getting up at 8am day after day is just plain wrong. Being sleep deprived clouds my judgement and makes me kind of edgy. Caffeine is an answer but doesn't help with the falling to sleep problem. I eye the ambien the Dr gave me but the bottle sits untouched, right next to the pain killers leftover from when I broke my ass.

So, yeah. I am delirious. Apologies in advance for any snippets of pissy brought to you by my inner bitch today. Its hard to keep her in her dungeon at the best of times. Today its gonna be a job.

~~~

Yesterday I wrote a little bit about trust, an idea which is still rolling around in my head. People say trust has to be earned and is easily broken, which is certainly true. Beyond that truism, I think trust is a gift that we give to someone else. We hand over a little bit of ourself and in doing so we become vulnerable to their actions. And that little bit of truth, my dear friends, is why I spend a hell of a lot of time on my own. I would really prefer not to be any more vulnerable than I already am, so handing over a bit of me to anyone else? Well I sort of just don't.

Just to be clear -- I am not really even talking about some deep, love relationships here. I am talking about garden variety friendships. Over the past year I had a couple people deepen my already ocean size pool of vulnerable and frankly I sort of felt like I was done in SL. Being the introvert that I am I don't need to be surrounded by throngs and I do way better in small groups where people know my many quirks and kind of like me anyway. So, handing over that little bit of me to new people was kind of off the table.

But that scared, "don't come near me -- I am just gonna sit here and lick my wounds" stuff only lasts for so long. Lately I have been thinking its time for me to start living again. It is time for me to actually respond positively when people reach out and say something really scary like "hey wanna hang out?"

I will let you know how it all works out, k?

~~~

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There are many many things about SL that I love. My 3rd rez day is coming up soon and when I think back on how much I have learned and grown as a person since I downloaded my first SL client, I can't help but smile. My happy memories outweigh the negatives by several orders of magnitude.

Having said that I have found that trust is hard to come by for me. It is hard for people to get to know me and even when they try I tend to be so very protective of myself. I am sure I am totally and completely frustrating. I don't mean to be difficult and I do apologize.

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tired.tired.tired.

<3

Drive by post about Alice in WonderSLand

If you missed Alice in WonderSland and were disappointed you have one more opportunity to catch this most amazing performance! The weekend of June 5th and 6th The Avatar Repertory company will perform at 3 pm SL each day. Tickets are still available at Xstreet.

209 of 365 Dancing alone

until Ahuva joined me. I <3 her mucho. That.is.all

208 of 365 "Das Fog"

I am enjoying the Imprudence Viewer with one frustration. If you want to have voice when you use Imprudence you have to copy certain voice files from the Sl viewer into the Imprudence folder on your computer. This should not be a big deal but being the most non technical person on the planet I managed to screw it up.

I am so so so frustrated with SL viewers. Why is it this hard people?

/me grumbles and shakes a tiny fist at the windlight sky.........

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Busy, busy day. I need a big glass of wine so I think I will pop a cork and savor the moment.

cheers!

206 of 365 Random Observations du Jour

Sometimes people do the nicest things because it makes them feel good to give to others. The world would be a better place if there were more people like this.

Not everyone believes in God. Just because you have faith in a supernatural force that guides your world, does not mean others find comfort in religion.

When I read eloquent and brilliant writers it makes me a little wistful. I am doomed to a writing life of short sentences and three paragraph blog posts on the rare occasion when I manage to eek out that much.

I like to think of myself as a caring person but when presented with an opportunity to do something unkind (and yet richly deserved) I strongly considered participating. I don't feel particularly good about that.

Every single day I am thankful for the people in my life. I am blessed.

205 of 365 The subconscious mind at work

The other day I took my daughter to see Taylor Swift. She is a huge fan and has been begging to go for some time and I was able to get some tickets quite randomly so off we went. Despite being way to much of an introvert to enjoy music with 10,000 of my closest friends at an arena show, I actually had a great time. I was not much of a Taylor Swift fan before but I do have to admit the girl has talent.

203 of 365 China Tang Empire

China Tang Empire is a lovely sim which was built by Valor Renilo and his team who contracted architect ryusho Ort and Cayenne Republic as the main builder and landscaper. The build is intended to be a realistic representation of the architecture, landscape and art of the Tang Dynasty. There will be a formal opening party soon which I will write about in New World Notes.

You can have a look at the sim now and I encourage you to do so. There is a lot to discover, much more than meets the eye at first look. You will find places to dance, do some tai chi or meditate and there are many romantic spots as well. China Tang Empire is a rich landscape which offers history buffs and explorers alike a destination to savor.

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Just in case you were wondering....


In all seriousness -- what possesses someone to add a title like that and walk around with it over their head while shopping? Does this make him feel important? Does it add to his swagger? Does it get him dates? I don't get it.

202 of 365 Persona in Second Life

After my breakup post yesterday I got a very sweet offline from Fractured Crystal, who is one of the Emerald Developers.

I do not know anything about the Emerald/Herald/Woodbury/Justice League/Whoeverthehellelse mess and frankly I don't want to know. It saddens me that the very public bickering among these groups has made many feel uneasy about using the Emerald viewer. There are people who would say that the fighting has moved beyond bickering and into more serious TOS violations or even crimes. Again, I don't know and I don't want to know.

What I will say is this: I have respect for Fractured. Two times when I expressed my worries about Emerald he has reached out to me to talk. He wanted to understand my thoughts even when I was quite direct about negative perceptions I hold. This morning Fractured asked me if I thought he wanted anything negative to happen to Emerald users and I honestly answered no, I don't think he does.

~~~

A lot is written about identity in Second Life but lately I have been considering the idea of persona. One definition of persona offered by webster.com is

an individual's social facade or front that especially in the analytic psychology of C. G. Jung reflects the role in life the individual is playing: the personality that a person (as an actor or politician) projects in public

Sometimes in the day to day of just being me I forget I have this public persona because of my job writing for NWN. So when I express an opinion here on my personal blog in my mind I am just ME talking but in reality my opinions may be heard a little more loudly above the din because of my persona. I don't feel comfortable even saying that because this persona that Codie called a "star blogger" today doesn't feel like ME. The persona exists outside myself. Does that make sense to anyone but me?

So how does this relate to Emerald? I am getting there I think.

In the Herald Article where Fractured was accused of bringing down Woodbury he was quoted as saying something like "I have done bad things and I will probably do bad things again." You see, in the day to day of just being HIM Fractured forgot he is also a public persona and a simple statement would take on much broader meaning in the context of the Emerald/Herald/Woodbury/Justice League/Whoeverthehellelse mess.

Is Fractured Crystal, Emerald Developer who was once banned from SL for undefined bad behavior, threatening to do "bad things" to people who use his viewer? GASP! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!

See how a simple statement "I am human and I will probably fuck up again" turns into "OMG Emerald is going to steal my password, grab my lindens and reveal my BDSM alt to my boss!!!

~~~

What I have been pondering all day today comes down to this: the persona which exists outside ourselves sometimes has a life of its own. Our statements and actions can be perceived in ways that are surprising to us and are completely not what we intend.

I am just a blogger expressing my opinions here. I don't know if I should trust the Emerald viewer and I am absolutely not recommending anyone use it or not use it based on anything I have said.

I do know two things to be fact 1)Fractured impressed me by reaching out to understand my last post and 2) he sent me a Justin Bieber song so the dude clearly has no taste in music. LOL

201 of 365 Breaking Up is Hard to Do

We have been together a long time. I have loved you from the first minute we met. You are intelligent, clever and fun to be around. You made me feel better about myself -- you made me feel smart. I understood you and you understood me. It hurts to let you go and honestly I don't want to give you up. But when trust is broken, there just isn't anything left I guess.

I know there are plenty of others out there but I am afraid none of them will live up to the expectations I have after living with you for so long. Still, it is time for me to move on.

Goodbye Emerald.

Hello Kirsten, Snowglobe and Imprudence. I hope I can learn care for one of you as much as I did my first love.

200 of 365 - Things I have learned from Second Life

"Anyone who tries to make a distinction between education and entertainment doesn't know the first thing about either." ~Marshall McLuhan

199 of 365 I do not want to steal your boyfriend, I promise

I was wandering around and saw this animation that let me draw a cute flower on the pavement. Just as I was trying to capture an image this guy runs up, stands there, looks at me and says "nice." His girlfriend was right behind him and then suddenly they were both silent and not paying me much attention. I imagine the IMs were flying. Somehow it seemed pretty tense to me but for all I know they were afk or whatever.

I guess you never really know what is going on with people. Me? I am most likely looking for interesting sims and drawing on the pavement every chance I get.

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197 of 365 Alice in WonderSLand

Tonight I had the pleasure of being a part of the audience of The Avatar Repertory Theater's production of Alice in WonderSLand. I wrote about this production on NWN and several people have blogged about their experiences. Due to popular demand three more dates have been added next weekend. If you have not seen Alice in WonderSLand I strongly suggest you get over to xstreet and buy a ticket for $500. The show is every well worth your money and 90 minutes of your time. The performances will sell out and you do not want to miss it.

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It has been a long week.

This morning Typepad ate most of my NWN post. If you are considering using typepad for your blog, my suggestion is don't. I use it because I have no choice but I hate it. It is hard to edit, it does not play nicely with other programs so you can't really cut and past without copying to notepad and it randomly does inexplicable things like swallowing a post whole. yuck

I have an extra ticket to Alice in WonderSLand on Sunday. If you want to join me drop me a note.

I have a raging headache at the moment so I think that is it for now. Happy weekend my friends

194 of 365 Voice in SL

I keep thinking I want to find a new place to hang out. I used to be a regular at Molaskey's Pub and Clockwork. The Freudian Slip is on extended hiatus. Things change, people move on. I am feeling nostalgic for happier more social times.

Anyway, I was hopping around the grid and came across this coffee shop where a bunch of people were hanging out talking in voice. They seemed friendly and interesting but I just could not bring myself to join in talking in voice. I used to be in voice all the time when I was new to SL. Now I just cannot go there and I am not sure why.

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deadline day! gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

192 of 365 RMB City in Second Life

Zha and I kicking up our heels in RMB City.

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I was offline this weekend and it was great. Sometimes when I am away from SL it is hard to log back inworld. Does that ever happen to you?

This photo was taken here at another Bryn Oh build. Have a look.

Happy Birthday to Me

Happy Birthday to Me by The Crackers

I'm feeling thankful
for the small things, today
I'm feeling thankful
for the small things, today

Happy, Happy Birthday to me
Happy Birthday to me
and to you

188 of 365 Bryn Oh - No Love

Bryn's build for the World Expo Shanghai 2010 is beautiful. Check it out.

187 of 365

I have been getting a lot of annoying spam comments so I have switched on moderation. Sorry.

186 of 365 "Who in the world am I?"

"I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think. Was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is 'Who in the world am I?' Ah, that's the great puzzle!"

Alice in Lewis Carrol's Alice in Wonderland

Straylight video by ColeMarie

This is what happens when Cole gets a space navigator. I love this sweet little film.

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Usually I try to get my 365 finished before Zha logs in. Somehow creating my images feels like a solo activity. Of course being me, everything feels like a solo activity.

Often Zha will log in and map me while I am taking my 365 or shopping or listening to music or whatever. Imagine her surprise when she found me looking like this today!

184 of 365 Karma is Not a Bitch

The other day BotGirl suggested she would be taking a break from blogging because she did not want to drift into "burn-out, mediocrity, self-plagiarism or mundanity." Now I do not claim to be a blogger who comes close to Botgirl's insight or impact but I do feel like I have less and less to say here. I keep going because I am stubborn and I intend to finish my 365 barring any unforeseen circumstances. Still, if you are looking for insight or even great images I do feel the need to apologize for the quality of the content here lately.

~~~

Today was a quiet day in RL so I had time to catch up on blogs and social networking sites. As always, mixed in with tidbits of valuable insight and interesting conversation I read a some of what is known as "SL drama" but I prefer to think of as "self indulgent bullshit." What I wonder is what makes people think its a great idea to play out self-immolation, failed relationships, and personal vendettas in public? I guess these same conversations have always happened on back porches,and at gyms and beauty salons so its not unusual when people take to new public spaces and choose to display personal business. Still, for the life of me I don't get it.

~~~

For those of you who are not on Plurk the site has a metric called "karma," which is intended to appeal to our competitive natures. You get "karma" for plurking, for collecting large numbers of "friends" and you get rewards like emoticons as your "karma" increases. You loose "karma" for not plurking or losing friends among other things. How the metric is calculated is a mystery to me but the idea is people strive to get more karma and avoid doing things to lose karma. If it were only that simple, right?

The concept of Karma is a fundamental doctrine of Buddhism and I find it very interesting. I will leave explanations of Buddhism to others more learned but as I understand it, Karma is the law of moral causation. Basically, everything that happens to us is something we deserve. Now, I don't know if I believe this fully because I see so many examples of horrible things happening to people who most certainly did not deserve what they get.

Having said that, I do find the world tends to be a mirror of my mood. If I am crabby and fussy I find reasons to be crabby and fussy. If I am happy and act that way, my good mood tends to build upon itself. Is this Karma? I have no idea and it hardly matters. What I do know is the fastest way for me to find my sweet spot is to decide "today is going to be a great day," slap on a smile and set about making it so.

So, next time you find yourself complaining about your Plurk friends not being supportive enough, or lag or things Linden Lab has done or not done I encourage you to take a moment and think. How is this line of thinking impacting your life? Is it helping you? Is there anything you can do to actively improve the situation? What will it take to lighten your load? What prevents you from taking that action?

How about that "Karma?" It works for me.

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I got a new laptop today! I am still figuring it out and configuring things. Its fun and frustrating at the same time.

182 of 365 What laptop should I buy?

The sound on my laptop is officially, well, silent. Since I wanted to listen to Grace sing this evening I had to borrow my son's laptop which has working sound but struggles to run SL and does not have Photoshop. So you get a crappy image of some of my friends and I listening to wonderful music.

I need to buy a new laptop and am open to suggestions. I will not buy another Dell which also means Alienware is out of the question. I have had nothing but bad experiences with my XPS so I am going to buy a different brand. If you have a laptop you love please let me know. Thanks!