243 of 365 Second Life Community Convention

Yesterday I registered for the SLCC and booked a room at this hotel. It is too late for me to cancel now, or so Zha has said anyway. If you are AT.ALL. interested in meeting up with virtual friends or meeting new people in a great city please join us. The price goes up on 7/3 so now is the time to get off the fence and register!

Here are the reasons I think you should come

1) You get to look your friends in the eye, hug them and feel them touch your hand.

2) You get to act ridiculous and silly late at night, especially if you drink a glass or two of wine with me.

3) SLCC itself will have panels and discussion that will be interesting and informative.

4) Boston is a fantastic city which is totally worth exploring. For example we can go to the Museum of Fine Arts, hang out on the beautiful Boston Common, take a duck tour, shop at Faneuil Hall or visit Copley Square. I could go on and on, but you get the idea. I love Boston and I promise you there is no shortage of things to do if panel discussions inside a hotel convention center are not your idea of a good time on a summer day. (Maybe I should do a Chestnut's Choices for Boston? Whaddya think?)

5) Meeting your SL friends in RL will remind you why you fell in love with Second Life in the first place and it will shake you out of your virtual ennui, if you happen to be one of the many who have been feeling that way.

6) There will be live music!!!!!!!!!!!!

7) Christina's Homemade ice cream

8) You might be able to have dinner with Philip Linden

9) More likely, you can have dinner with me

10) You know you will have a great time if you go to SLCC. Don't listen to the haters, don't pay attention to those who say SLCC has jumped the shark. Get on a plane, get on the train or get in your car. Have a drink with me and let's have fun together. I want to hear your laugh, see your smile and give you a hug.

242 of 365 - Much cuter than skunks

The one in which Ches admits to having been bitten by a rabid skunk

Ok. So. It is 3:30am and I am wide awake. This time I have an excuse.

About a half hour ago the strong smell of skunk woke me up. You see, I live in the woods and sometimes the critters fuss at each other and when one of them happens to be a skunk? It can get ugly. My stupid springer spaniel was flipping out and barking and doing that ridiculous rounding me up thing where she circles me and tries to make me follow her, which would be funny and adorable if she was not so insistent and it wasn't three fn AM and if the smell of skunk wasn't burning a hole in my head.

All of this is an introduction to the true story that will occupy me for the next few minutes until such time that I can get back to sleep. Hopefully.

It was a hot hot September night and my family was in the living room, which is to say that the boys were fast asleep and my daughter and I were watching, according to Sophie's memory but not mine, a true crime story on television. The back door was open to capture whatever breeze there was on a NY Indian Summer night. Our dog came trotting in from the garden and put her big head on my lap and when she did I noticed the very same odor that is currently occupying real estate in my nose.

I cursed loudly. Not loudly enough to wake the male members of the household which would take some effort. I got up to search the pantry for tomato juice and mumbled about how little I wanted to bathe the stupid hairy dog who was half Chow and had a thick undercoat that I feared would hold the smell of skunk for ages. I flipped on the light, turned to see the dog following me into the kitchen followed by......the skunk. In my dining room. A skunk. My mind went blank, my mouth opened, I screamed bloody murder and did the only reasonable thing - ran like a maniac in the other direction. I figured the skunk would turn tail and run out the doorway he was standing just inside.

BUT NO. The skunk started to chase me through my dining room, past the front door and into the living room where the male members of my household were still sleeping. Eventually my husband jumped up off the couch and threw the cotton blanket to the floor. You see, he had been in the hot tub and was naked as the day he was born which at the time did not seem out of the ordinary but has since become an integral part of the story. I was screaming like someone was trying to kill me because I was sure that damn skunk was going to spray inside my house. My husband was naked and chased the dog who was being NO HELP AT ALL with skunk removal. The skunk followed the dog and my husband out the door, but first that little bastard took a bite out of the little toe on my right foot.

Let me recap for you: Skunk in my house. Chases me. Husband naked flailing about. Skunk bites my foot. Husband chases dog, skunk outside.

Now the skunk decided he wanted a piece of my husband. But, he is THE MAN and was unafraid. When the skunk lunged at him my naked flailing husband kicked the rabid animal halfway across the yard, right into the chicken coop where it proceeded to feast on our hens until a man with a gun could be summoned to kill the foamy mouthed stink.

The skunk never did spray in the house. It did not surprise anyone when the brain of that skunk tested positive for rabies. It took weeks for that stupid dog to stop smelling like a skunk and I had a series of painful rabies shots over then next few months.

And that my friends is a true story. To this day my son is mad he never woke up, especially to see the man with the gun shoot the skunk. Every time he hears this story at a party or at the soccer fields he fusses at me for not waking him up.

~~~~

The image above is of the two dogs mentioned in my story. Sadie, the Chow/Shepard mix, died a year ago and Chloe the Springer is asleep at my feet and as luck would have it, does not smell like skunk.

241 of 365 Blue Angel Poet's Dive Bar

Last night I went to the Blue Angel Poet’s Dive Bar, which hosts the longest running open mic poetry reading in Second Life. The weekly event, which takes place on Sunday evenings from 5pm to 7pm, is hosted by 2004 oldbie Persephone Phoenix. I have written about this event in New World Notes before but I never made a point to go myself. I could kick myself for not getting to the Blue Angel before yesterday.

I could only stay for an hour due to another event I was supposed to attend, but the time I did have was jam packed with amazing poetry. Now, true confession time, I don't know a heck of a lot about poetry. I could not tell you a thing about the various forms of spoken word but it hardly mattered. The poets read and from the first moment I was enthralled. Seriously, I was completely taken by the words, the people and the space. I will absolutely, certainly be back. [SLurl in case you want to meet me there]

Maybe one day I will work up the courage to read. Doubtful. But stranger things have happened in Second Life.

~~~

Yes. The image above has nothing to do with the poetry or the Blue Angel. I was far to engaged with the words to think about taking an image last night.

240 of 365 Twitterpated

(I kind of like this image. Click for a larger view. It might be for you Ari seeing as it has a ship wreck and all.)

I had a long talk this morning with a friend who is adorably twitterpated. You know the feeling? When you see the object of your desire log in you get all jumpy and excited. You have to actively force yourself not to pounce them in IM? Those first few intense weeks of a relationship are so damn sweet.

If you are really lucky though you get past all that intensity and settle in for the long haul.

239 of 365 Magic=Found

Some time late last night I got an IM which basically said, you:here:now. I dropped what I was doing and TPed over. And there it was -- the SL magic. The combination of people I adore, beautiful music, and -- I am not going to fake it here - my own rekindled hope for the future of SL swirled around in the glass to produce the perfect cocktail. Ok so the red wine probably helped too but I had one of those much too rare moments of bliss where all is right in the world.

I went to bed so damn happy. I slept for SIX HOURS. I woke up to an offline that made me smile. Yeah. Happy.

Bryn Oh Installation at SL7B, Machinima by Chantal Harvey

Philip Linden's Second Speech at SL7B

Machinima by the talented and lovely Chantal Harvey

238 of 365 So, is anything at all interesting going on in SL these days?

M Linden is out and Philip Linden is back as interim omnipotent ruler of Second Life. Well, that is interesting innit? I have a ton to say and at the same time I have nothing to say at all. Lately I have been thinking "time will tell" is the only reasonable answer to most of my questions.

If you want to read some brilliant commentary on the change in SL leadership, I suggest you read what my partner Zha and good friend Grace have to say.

Words

Posting this for the audio


Words by Pink

Take Y
Take the letter
Take it out of the alphabet
don´t ask me why
No more questions
Just accept it for the way it is

Words are just words
They get in my way
I can never say what I wanna say
Who will understand it anyway?
it´s just a waste

Take M
Mmm mmm
it´s so lovely, so
delicious, it says it all

I don´t like X
Ex-boyfriends, ex-girlfriends
Exactly what I don´t need
Twisting my words so easily

Words are just words
They get in my way
See like right now, I
wanna tell you that I
love you
but I don´t know how..

Put the H with the A with the TE,
give it power, you
could destroy me
Put the L, with the
O with the VE,
Give that power and
you don´t have to say
anything

Words are just words
They get in my way
Bla bla bla bla Blaaaa

Words are just words
They get in my way
Words are just words
They get in my way

Take B,
and just let it be, B.

237 of 365 The Inevitablility of Change

"Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future."

John F. Kennedy

236 of 365

“Do not speak unless you can improve the silence”

235 of 365 butterfly by my pretend boyfriend

234 of 365 SL7B, Art and the crime of nudity

I should start this post off by admitting my biases. I think the human body, in all its forms is beautiful. (Well except for my own, but that is another post for another day. You can thank me later.)

For ages art has celebrated the human form for its beauty. We all know this. And yes, perhaps we celebrate our bodies because they bring us joy and are tied to some of the most primal urges we human animals have. Yes. We all desire sex people. There is nothing wrong with that. Really, there just isn't. Body shame, shame about sex -- we as a species have managed to take the most beautiful and wonderful things and turn them to ugly. It is a damn shame really.

Enter Linden Lab.

For fuck's sake, you morons. One would think after completely demoralizing your dedicated user base via massive staff layoffs, building upon years of stupidity which seems intent on fucking over the very people who are so in love with our virtual lives that we invest our money, our time and our hearts in this platform, you could manage to throw a birthday party without pissing us off AGAIN. But NO. Just like last year and the year before the organizers of SL7B seem to think that SL is a haven for pedophiles who only manage to see the light of day when art depicting the naked human form shows up. Seriously? WHAT? The suggestion is so completely ludicrous as to defy all logic. Its so stupid that I cannot even find the words to express my disbelief and outrage. For once, I might actually be without words. (Ok not really but you get my point.)

What is really sad is Zha and I have started to have discussions about - what next? Where should we set up our OS? How do we find a way to move our friends with us? How can we shape the Second Life diaspora so we don't lose the things we care so much about when Linden Lab finally destroys it all? Every time this discussion comes up I am very quick to push it away. I love my Second Life and at my 3rd rez day party yesterday I was reminded, once again, how amazingly wonderful the people in my life are and how much I love them. I do not want SL to implode and I do not want LL to fuck it up so badly that we all look elsewhere.

When I logged in this morning to find 3 friends sending me the link to Joonie's post about the latest Linden stupidity, I did the only thing I could think to do. Put on my tiara, because dammit I am Princess Chestnut Rau, danced naked in my neighbor's sim, made this image and lay down some scathing words here. I for one feel better now.

<3 Ches

Princess Chestnut Rau

(click for a larger view - you know you want to do it. Who can resist a Princess in a bikini and thigh high leather boots, who happens to be armed. Go ahead, click)

233 of 365 "Little Life Lessons"

Life's little lessons often sneak up on me. One day I am going about my business and then suddenly, I get hit with an experience that takes me by surprise. It can be something simple like having a cyst that reminds me not to take my health for granted or it can be something a bit more positive like finding myself having feelings for someone I did not anticipate would become a friend. Positive or negative, the lesson is there. Sometimes it is hard to wade through the fear or pain or even the joy to find the lesson in the experience. I find if I listen closely enough to my heart, I will figure it out.

The past few weeks have taught me much. I have laughed a lot and had some very happy moments. I am not ashamed to say I have cried too. Someone asked me this morning if I would do it all again. I hesitated but had to concede yes, I would and I would not change a thing.

So what are the lessons?

It is much harder to speak the truth than it is to remain silent, especially if you know there will be a negative reaction to your truth.

For every self-important asshole on the internet there are many others who quietly offer love and support. It is sometimes hard to remember to pay attention to the love and support when the assholes are so damn loud.

You never really know where the love and support is going to come from. Sometimes the person you expect to comfort you is MIA and a random stranger steps up. Yesterday someone who doesn't even know me reached out to offer a hug and it made my day. (And yeah I am looking at you LGG)

The most important thing for me to do is to let go of expectations. If I expect nothing I can never be disappointed.

This morning I *am* a little disappointed. It won't last very long but for right now my heart is tender.

~~~~

Later on today my friends are having a 3rd rez day party for me. There will be motorcycle races on the beach (because clearly they want to see me crash and burn.) My friend DJ Calli will spin tunes for us for a while and then the amazing Harper Messmer will play live. Doesn't that sound like a lot of fun? How lucky am I to have friends who will plan something like this for me? Very, very lucky indeed.

I will probably plurk the LM closer to party time which is around 5pm SLT. I would love to see you there.

232 of 365

Wow. What a crazy 24 hours. I think I have been called more nasty names since Hamlet linked to my Emerald post than I ever have before in my life. I am just going to hide over here in the corner, k?

231 of 365 The Relief Cold

I am usually pretty good when I am under stress. It is after the fact I fall apart, which is what happened last week I guess. I can usually anticipate after a big stress I am going to get a cold. Its like my body sends out a tweet to all the local germs - "Hey folks this one here! Her resistance is down! Come on in for a party!!!"

Yeah. I have a cold. It suckors.

~~~

My dear boss Hamlet blogged my Emerald post on New World Notes today. When I saw my hit counters going crazy and the hate comments started popping up in my moderation queue I knew something was up. Apparently I don't know what I am talking about and I am a stupid bitch. Is that better or worse than I DON'T MATTER? Its hard to tell, yo.

<3 Ches

230 of 365 "Let's Pretend"

I am not actually in this image, but let's pretend I am if you will. I am tired of looking at my face. This will have to do for today.

This image is straight from SL with no post processing, so at least there is that.

229 of 365 Happy 3rd Rez Day to Me

Isn't it just like that? When I am not looking for words they come bubbling out of me, seemingly without end. Words rolling around inside my head, teasing me and making me feel things I have no intention of feeling. Words skipping in my periperhal vision taunting me with their tantalizing smell and taste. Words calling me in the middle of the night and tapping me on the shoulder, waking me from the rare moments when sleep finally takes over my tired body.

Words are my lover and they are my friends. They bring me comfort when nothing else can touch the chilly space in the pit of my stomach. I hold them close and then fling them across the page before ducking, hiding my face and holding my breath. Will any one care for my friends, these words? Will anyone love them the way I do? What if they do? What if they don't?

When I want words to come -- when I have something I need to express or my head will fill and the unspoken truths might pour unrestrained out of my ears -- then my friends and lovers betray me. They hide, remain unspoken and unwritten. They taunt me like the delayed gratification demanded by a greedy lover. No, you can't have what you want or what you need. The words hoard their own pleasure, refusing to share the sticky sweet complexity of release, despite my pleading.

~~~~

Thank you Second Life for giving me words. Thank you for allowing me to be Chestnut Rau because she makes me love myself a little more each day.

228 of 365 Trust, but mostly trust yourself

I am not normally emo sad and frankly people who are sort of annoy me. Seriously, unless you have something REAL to worry about then make the most of the cards you have in your hand. Even if you do have something real to worry about having a positive attitude is critical to happiness. Lately? I have started to be so damn sad and whiny I am annoying myself and I know two friends who have every right to slap me silly.

So on the day before my third rez day I declare this blog and more importantly *my head* to be an emo free zone. No more sad, no more upset, no more fear, no more of this annoying middle school girl. BE GONE. You are totally not wanted here.

There. I feel better now. Don't you?

~~~~~

ETA: Kate Nash singing Dickhead - because she makes me laugh really hard and there is someone who needs to hear this song.

a most interesting conversation

On the RL tab of my profile I have a link to a 2004 article from Atlantic Monthly magazine called Caring for Your Introvert. I originally saw this article on a friend's profile and when I read it, the words jumped off the page and hit me. It was like in a cartoon when a character gets knocked to the ground and there are stars and such circling around their head. I had this moment of OMFG -- that is me! I know it sounds silly that someone could get to be an adult and lack this knowledge about their own basic temperament, but there you have it.

So last night I was at Circe's Sunset Jazz Club listening to some music while I was doing other things like messing about in Photoshop and reading a small mountain of email. Out of the clear blue some random dude in the club starts chatting me up. In my head I am thinking, oh hell no. No no no. I have a husband, a SLwife and I seriously do NOT need or want to be chatting with some random guy just because I happen to be standing here by myself at a club. Really, just no.

And then a funny thing happened. He remarked that he liked the Atlantic article and that he too was introverted. We talked about how SL is a great place for people like us to be social because we can do it on our own terms. In short order the conversation turned from "oh hell no" to "wow who are you?" and "isn't this interesting." Given my state of mind lately it was really pretty cool. I wanted to add him as a friend but I was fearful and did not. Bonehead move on my part, sadly.

~~~

My third rez day is tomorrow, I think. Maybe it is Thursday. How silly I don't even remember the exact date. I have been thinking a lot the past three years today and I have some things to say but the words are not formed yet. Hopefully soon.

Some friends are planning a rez day party for me which was supposed to be a surprise but is actually not. The whole introvert thing keeps me from wanting to be the center of attention because it makes me jittery but this party seems to be happening anyway. Since in my heart of hearts I know I have reached three years in SL in part because of this blog, if any of you want to come please IM me and I will shoot you the LM. Well, as soon as I get the LM I will anyway. Like I said the details of this party are sort of mysterious.

227 of 365

Recipe for a happy Ches:

A sweet gesture
A productive RL day
A good GF
One small glass of excellent red wine

226 of 365 Sunday Happifications

In no particular order, here is my Sunday list of happification:

Yogurt with blueberries
The smell of my daughter's hair
The way my garden looks all glistening and emerald green when it rains
My tall, handsome husband's face smiling at me from across the airport terminal
Sharing important life events with my oldest and best friend in the world
Losing enough weight so my pants are a little loose
The accomplished way I feel after a sweaty workout
A summer calendar full of travel plans and time with friends

There. I feel better now.

<3 Ches

225 of 365 "The Real Deal"

Hamlet posted a vacation picture the other day. I think it must have been on Twitter or something because I don't see it on the blog. Now, he has been bugging me for a mixed reality photo for my posts on NWN for, something close to forever. I have resisted because basically, well, I hate my face? Is that a legitimate reason? Not sure but -- female body image issues? I gotz em.

I am in Florida now to visit a friend and attend a party for her son. I traveled alone, which is unusual for me. Usually I have the whole family with me which is how I like it. Things have been kind of crazy for me lately and the idea of two days on my own in the Florida sun sounded like a great idea. To be very honest, all that time without people wanting things from me is a mixed blessing. I have had a lot of time to think about things. I have been sad but I think after a drive and some time at the beach I have reached clarity on some things anyway.

One of the things I was thinking about is this -- why is it that I am comfortable writing about middle school boyfriends and cancer scares but letting you all see what I really look like is so terrifying? There is something sort of ridiculous in there, don't you think? When I walked back to my car from the gulf beach I snapped this picture on my blackberry. Spontaneous, messy hair, no makeup me. I am going to upload it before I change my mind.

One fear down, several thousand more to go. Cheers y'all.

224 of 365 Old School Second Life

Hotel Chelsea is turning into my new favorite venue. Tonight was real old school SL for me - super cool crowd, great music, unrezzed people, maxed out laggy sim, crashing musicians, tip jars that won't work. I know it sounds like I am complaining but I am not. I had a great time.

The Fool

I took this picture way back during Burning Life and titled it "The Fool" for obvious reasons. I needed to grab an old image for a post because I figured the only way I am going to stop being weepy is to get some words on the page, and there was The Fool. How appropriate.

Ok. So. This is my personal blog. This post needs to be written. Whether or not it sees the light of day remains to be seen. But here goes.

~~~

Two days ago I found a lump on my body. I freaked out, did a ton of research, reached out to people who could calm me down even when I refused to actually, you know, tell them what the fuck was going on. Yesterday afternoon I had a procedure involving needles and scalpels. As it turns out, the lump was a cyst and nothing to freak out about. So I should be happy right? Well I am, certainly. But you see, both my parents died from cancer. They were both young. The chances of me getting cancer are pretty good I imagine. I was mostly calm yesterday but today I can't seem to stop crying. WTF Ches, really? WTF?

~~~

Mean people on the internet suck and I should never let them touch me emotionally. And yet I do. I am a moron.

~~~

I am going to Florida tomorrow to see my oldest and dearest friend. I should be excited but all I really want to do is sleep.

~~~

Posting this is a really stupid thing to do but I am probably going to do it anyway. This is cathartic for me and you are free to judge away. Have at it haters. Fuck you anyway.

~~~

very late and I can't sleep

what a day.

I had a semi-emergency medical thing. It sucked.

I don't have a clue what is going on at Linden Lab. My heart breaks for the fine people who have lost their jobs. I am worried about the future for them. I am worried about the future for all of us.

I promised Crap I would go to his reading. I went afk for a bit and then just could not bring myself to leave my skybox. I climbed deep in "I am not feelin this shit" and missed my friend's event. Again. Its a wonder he does not kick my sorry self off the island.

Then I was supposed to go to Katy's meeting about SLCC. How the hell was I supposed to think about SLCC today? Is there even going to be an SLCC? Really? Why?

Honestly I knew the minute I had a positive opinion about Emerald and expressed it I would get push back. You can read the one nastygram comment I did publish. There were others I just could not bring myself to let go. Yeah censorship on my blog. That is right. I don't matter and I censor hate. Whatever. Its my blog. If you don't like it I suggest you get your own.

I know I would feel better about all of this (and the other stuff that is making me sad which I have not mentioned) if I could just sleep. But, I can't.

222 of 365 The Reasons I Use and Trust the Emerald Viewer

A few weeks ago I wrote a post breaking up with my beloved Emerald Viewer. At the time there was an article in The Alphaville Herald saying people associated with Emerald were tracking IP addresses. The article listed names of people who were tracked and my name was on that list.

Now, I have google analytics and so I hate to break it to you but this blog is tracking your IP address too, not that I ever look at that information. I was not the least bit concerned about anyone tracking my IP. I was kind of pissed off that The Herald printed my name though. (Seriously if you are going to write a scandalous bit about privacy invasion maybe next time you could think about keeping the names of innocent people out of it? Just a thought.)

I got nervous about Emerald though and I don't think I was the only one. I began to think maybe I should use a different viewer. Then I did what bloggers do, which is turn my thoughts into blog fodder. I had this idea that a "break up" post would be funny. So I spent about 10 minutes and threw it down. It made me laugh, what can I say. Then a funny thing happened. I started to think about the Emerald "controversy" and I decided I needed to understand why so much crap was swirling about in the blogosphere.

So, I started to use my mad google skills to learn more. I talked to people who are in a position to know about Third Party Viewers. I talked to coders who understand the technical side of things and I read. I read a lot. I tried other viewers, many of which I liked but none of which worked as perfectly for me as Emerald. I got frustrated.

After a couple of weeks I have happily returned to using the Emerald viewer. Here are my reasons.

1) Emerald is GPL compliant. I am not even going to pretend to know what that means in detail. Having said that, I do know GPL is the License open source software developers use that allows people to share work in a way that ensures transparency and accountability. By complying with the GPL Emerald's code is freely accessible to software developers world wide.

2) Emerald is compliant with the Linden Lab Third Party Viewer Policy and is listed in the LL Third Party Viewer Directory. This means that LL has personal information on file about the developers which again ensures transparency and accountability.

3) There are upwards of 85,000 daily users of the Emerald Viewer. With that kind of heavy usage I am pretty sure if there was any credible evidence to suggest the viewer is doing nefarious things I would have found out about it in my hours and hours of research. I found none.

4) Effectively all of the negative writing I have seen was produced by people with personal objections to open source software or personal vendettas against individuals, which makes drawing conclusions about Emerald based on what they say impossible.

5) I ask you, if you made something that was wildly popular would you be thinking "hey how can I use this baby to steal?" or would you be thinking "hey how can I use this baby to make some money and develop a successful business for the long term?" The answer seems pretty clear to me.

It is generally my personal policy to keep this blog positive. I don't talk smack about individuals and I don't name names, even though sometimes it is damn tempting. Anyway, I feel it is necessary to apologize to the Emerald team for speaking negatively about their work. I forgot about the power of words in my search for a clever blog post.

~~~
NB: comments are moderated so if your goal is to perpetuate hate here don't bother.

<3 Ches

221 of 365 "Just Breathe"

"If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to"



ANNA NALICK LYRICS

"Breathe (2 AM)"

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

May he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.

Who Knew?

Many years ago there was a man who had my heart locked in his hands. Sadly, we had one of those relationships plagued by bad timing. I was head over heels in love with him when he was involved with someone and when I was involved he was on my phone daily. There was a hell of a lot of "come here, go away." After a long time we finally hit the sweet spot where we were not fucking with each other's heads. By any measure Chris was my first love.

A mutual friend called to let me know when he died. The denial was enormous and my pain was indescribable. I am pretty sure I cried non-stop for a week. I was broken hearted for what seemed like years and to this day when I think about him I either smile big or cry. Last night I had a dream about Chris, the first one in ages. This time I smiled.


I will always <3 you CT.

~~~~
I apologize for this series of posts that have nothing whatsoever to do with Second Life. My head has been full and this space is where it comes out. Maybe one day soon I will be back to SL posts. In the meantime, enjoy these little glimpses into me or scroll on by. The choice is yours.

220 of 365 - Nostalgia

219 of 365 "almost"

I actually got up out of my warm cozy bed tonight to take and upload this image. This is the first time I totally forgot my 365. I had a busy day and at the end of the evening somehow I got caught up in conversation. A 365 image was the farthest thing from my mind I guess. But, when I realized I came downstairs, logged in and snapped this to upload.

Is that dedication or possibly insanity? Hard to say.

218 of 365 "twothreesixfive project submission"

Reposted from http://twothreesixfive.wordpress.com/ Comments over there are much appreciated if you are so inclined.

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My dream as a little girl was to be an artist or a dancer, a writer or a musician. I never thought I was good enough at any of these things so I abandoned and buried my creative dreams, leaving them for dead. The theme of feeling “not good enough” has been a sad underpinning of my life.

In RL I have a “big” job and by that I mean a job with a lot of responsibility and pressure. I work with scientists helping to implement large-scale government contracts and grants. My job is to keep the annoying and difficult regulations from impacting the creative science other people are doing. I spend way too much time in spreadsheets, enforce the rules and listen to people complain all day. Many, many days it sucks.

When things are difficult at work I close my eyes and remind myself that there is art in my soul. I let my mind drift and listen to the music that makes me feel…well anything. You see, in my day-to-day being too creative or reacting emotionally to things is considered a sign of professional weakness. So, I cultivate the veneer of tough, unfeeling compliance officer and die a little inside each day.

When I logged on to SL three years ago I felt something. At the time I was not sure what it was but I knew I needed more. In retrospect, what I felt was my creativity breaking out of the tiny lead box I had shoved it in ages ago. I have lost a lot of time, but I have learned that while I am never going to be a great artist I cannot allow my creative impulses to die due to the fear of failure.

Because of Second Life, when words and images bubble up out of the depths of my heart most of the time I am able to catch them before they disappear. The fact that other people occasionally enjoy my work turns the cobwebs on my creative soul into spun gold.

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Chestnut Rau is a University Administrator and wannabe artist. She lives in New York, which means she has a ridiculous accent and does everything way too fast. She has the most understanding husband in the world, who happens to have a lovely British accent and does most things just fast enough. Chestnut has two children who bring her both joy and pain daily.

Chestnut started her personal blog http://slofdreams.blogspot.com/ in November 2007 and has been the Events Writer for New World Notes since February 2009. She lives in the Five Islands estate with her friends and has shared Second Life with her partner Zha Ewry for more than two years. All in all, she is blessed and she knows it.

217 of 365 Good ideas gone terribly wrong

I was struggling with an image today. I was camming around Hotel Chelsea while the Dead Heathers were playing looking for an angle, anything at all really. I was getting increasingly frustrated with an unstable sim and the not yet undeveloped "delete my IM to the person who is not responding" feature, when I noticed the adorable "I love my shoes" written on the toe of my left Porn Star sneaker. Seeing the writing brought back a very clear memory of middle school which I am about to bore you with for no particular reason.

I had this mad monkey love crush on a boy who lived one street over. His name was Peter and he went to Catholic school so I rarely saw him. But when I did? Damn. My heart raced and I could barely speak. One day he called me (!!!) and asked me to go to his basketball game, which for 7th grade was a BIG DEAL. So I went to the gym and was sitting on the bleachers watching the game. At the half he came over to say hi to me (OH EMMMMM GEEEE) and he noticed I had written his name in blue pen on the toe of my black high top converse sneakers.

A big smile spread across his face and he did what 7th grade Catholic School boys do. He teased me and told me I was a told dork. I did what busted 7th grade public school girls do. I told him it was not him and that I wrote that for another boy named Peter who he did not even know. I was beet red, totally embarrassed and left the gym before the end of the game. On the walk home some old guy stopped to "ask directions" and promptly exposed himself to me and began doing unspeakable things to his cock. All in all it was a bad day.

This 100% a true story, which I had buried deep in the recesses of my mind, came rushing back tonight. Blerg. Tomorrow I think I will take a landscape photo.

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One more thing -- Peter works in the local grocery store stocking shelves. He is no longer cute and we both pretend we don't know each other. See how something so promising can turn to shite if you write on your shoes? Consider yourself warned.

216 of 365 "I am almost finally, finally out of words"

I am taking part in the two three six five project and my post will appear tomorrow (Nope Saturday). It was hard to write and I am semi freaking out about it being posted. It is a post about RL stuff that I have not shared publicly before so...gah I am nervous. I will post here but comments over there are much appreciated.


This morning I was thinking about something that has been troubling me and a friend was being a supportive soul. I was doing this super annoying thing I do where I am thinking out loud and I swear my inner middle school girl comes out to play and WILL.NOT.SHUT.UP.

Do you know her? That annoying child who wants to analyze and understand every little thing? The one who looks for deep meaning where there is none? The girl who's cup of anxiety runneth over and threatens to drown everyone on the block with the flood? yeah. I get that way occasionally. Thankfully it is pretty rare and most always I have the good sense to STFU and not burden anyone when I am stressed out in this way. But this friend, and I am looking at you Ahuva, she gets me in a pretty fundamental way because we were made from the same mold. Our deal is we listen when the other is losing it. Today was my turn.

So as I as blathering on and on about nonsense and my friend was in my IM box with me the whole time listening I suddenly thought about this Jason Mraz song. I just love the lyric which became the title of this post. Maybe by posting it I will finally, finally be out of words? One can only hope.

Here is the song and the full lyrics are below. I <3 Jason long time.



You and I Both by Jason Mraz

Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen but not to me
Oh things are gonna happen naturally
Oh taking your advice and I'm looking on the bright side
And balancing out the whole thing

Oh but at often times those words get tangled up in lines
And the bright light turns to night
Oh until the dawn it brings
Another day to sing about the magic that was you and me

'Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of
Others only read of the love
Oh the love that I love, yeah

See I'm all about them words
Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words
Hundreds of pages, pages, pages forwards
More words than I had ever heard and I feel so alive

'Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of
And if you could see now

Oh love, love, you and I, you and I
Not so little, you and I anymore
And with this silence brings a moral story
More importantly evolving is the glory of a boy

'Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of
And if you could see me now

Well then I'm almost finally out of
I'm finally out of, finally de de de de de de
Well I'm almost finally finally
Well I am free, oh I'm free

And it's okay if you had to go away
Oh, just remember the telephone
Well, they're workin it both ways

But if I never, ever hear them ring
If nothing else I'll think the bells inside
Finally found you someone else and that's okay
'Cause I'll remember everything you sang

'Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of
And if you could see me now

Well then I'm almost finally out of
I'm finally out of, finally de de de de de de
Well I'm almost finally, finally out of words

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215 of 365 "Fearless"

Thinking will not overcome fear but action will.
W. Clement Stone

I have been thinking about people I admire this morning and it occurred to me I am really intrigued by people who act as though they are fearless. I say "act as though" because everyone has fears. Some of us are better at keeping our fears hidden or controlled or bottled up on the shelf but we all have fear. Not only do some of my fears end up sprayed all over teh internetz here, but certainly my personal relationships are impacted by them too. Call me human. I can take it.

So here is my thinly veiled tribute to people I care about who are fearless and who inspire me.

You are brave because you are unafraid to be exactly who you are, despite the world's general uneasiness and occasional downright hostility. I will always love you for that and I will always love you for loving me.

You are brave because you are unafraid to say I fucked up but that does not mean I AM a fuck up.

You are brave for reaching out to some girl on the internet just because you see a spark in her that makes you smile.

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This post brought to you by a full night's sleep (almost), sweet morning conversation, coffee, the letter C and the number 8.

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ETA: Someone asked about the image above. The only post processing I did was to crop the picture. The image is straight out of SL.

214 of 365 Chakryn Forest Nude

Glitter in the Air

The first time I saw Pink perform this song it took my breath away. I have now seen this video approximately 234,459 times and I love it still. This morning I found myself singing this song so I thought I would share. The lyrics are pure poetry.



Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?
Close your eyes and trust it, just trust it
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face
And said I just don't care?

It's only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg, the sun before the burn
The thunder before lightning, the breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?

Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?

It's only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table, the walk before the run
The breath before the kiss and the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?

There you are, sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee, calling me sugar
You called me sugar

Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself
Will it ever get better than tonight? Tonight