303 of 365 Another Day at the Beach

The first day I got back from the beach I decided there are two things in particular I love about the ocean. First is falling asleep at night listening to the waves and second is reading on the beach all day. I really could use another week but due to an enormous RL work deadline this week it isn't going to happen. I am thinking seriously about going to the beach for a few days in September. The weather will still be beautiful.

In the mean time I sat on a very deserted and lovely beach in SL. Its not the same as feeling the sand between my toes and watching the sand pipers hunt crabs but its not too terrible either.

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I want to love Imprudence. It has all the features I need and it should be fine for my purposes. However, I crash when I am using it. I have copied the llkdu over to my Imprudence folder which is said to improve stability but honestly that only made my problems worse. Not only am I crashing randomly for no apparently reason but I am also crashing every time I TP. I am so frustrated.

I am going to log and read. Good night.

<3 Ches

301 of 365 The Sunday Night Blues

The past few months have been hard. It has been said I am sullen and there is truth to that observation. Generally I am not this way but lately my cup runneth over and not necessarily in a good way.

Between work stress, parenting teenagers, a deadline driven SL job, a fairly heavy (for me) summer travel schedule even with a week of vacation I am tired.

The whole Emerald thing hasn't helped. There are people who have suggested I should never have written in support of Emerald. I am not an investigative journalist and this is my personal blog so anything I write is pure opinion. Disagree with me? Cool. But seriously folks, do your own research and please do not take your technology advice from me. I am no expert.

I don't mind the criticism of my blogging and I don't even mind the verbal abuse at public events for no particular reason. Insane tweets intended to make me feel terrible run off me like water off a duck's back. I just don't have the mental energy for any of that kind of stuff. The one thing that does makes me sad is I believe I lost a friend because of what I wrote about Emerald this past week.

Sighs.

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I got back from the beach and immediately fell asleep for two hours. I woke up tired. How strange is that?

I picked up this adorable Magic 8 ball today from Magic Nook. I just love it! I comes with this chair as well as a Magic 8 Ball you can hold. The Magic 8 Ball answers all your important questions! I just asked it if this is the most boring post in the blogosphere and it said "Without a doubt, Chestnut."

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wow. Day 300 is pretty hard to wrap my arms around. I wondered if I would get past a month and here I am getting to within shouting distance of the end of my 365. I feel like I have been slacking lately and phoning in my images but they have been showing up daily for 300 days. I guess this is all about the process rather than the product as I think my images are not really getting better.

I hope things settle down a little so I can spend some time and effort on my images over the next two months. I may continue a 365 for next year but not limit myself to photos that include me. Time will tell.

<3 Ches

299 of 365 Boys in Rough Surf

(click for a larger view. The quality is kind of meh since this was taken with my phone but its a pretty beach image nonethess.)

This photo is of my son Gavin on the left and his friend James. The surf here at the beach has been really rough because we have had a storm this week. It would be really easy to be sad and grumpy because the one week of pure relaxation we have been looking forward to all summer has been "ruined" by rain. But, me being me, I don't see it that way. The lightening over the ocean is beautiful and the storm clouds are moving art. The surf is rough and watching the waves crash against the shore is soothing. The sound of the ocean is primal and instantly clears my head of whatever petty bullshit is rolling around in there. Complaining about rain at the beach just makes your mood worse, looking for the beauty in the experience is my preferred approach.

~~~

Last night I had a short "conversation" on Skype that landed me in tears. For some reason I reached out to Ari who did what he does all the time -- listen, offer insight and generally be supportive. I am lucky to call him a friend.

I really want to share more personal observations about the Emerald mess but I am going to recall the memory of my mom and since I can't say nice things I am going to remain quiet. What I will say is I feel betrayed and I feel stupid for ignoring the hard facts because I wanted so badly to believe. I know I have learned a lesson.

Taking inspiration from my "ruined" week at the beach I am trying to find the ways in which the Emerald mess is a growth experience. There is a silver lining in this stormcloud. We just have to look to see it. In the meantime I am going to play in the rough surf with my boys.

<3 Ches

Lonely Valley

I've been off on vacation while the whole Emerald tempest has exploded, watching from afar, hearing from Chestnut the summaries of each new twist and turn. I'm still on the road, but wanted to share a few thoughts.

Ches and I talked about Emerald and trust and what the risks were quite a bit over the past few months. Each time we tried to chew through the various tumults and chaos and look at the facts. In the end, several things were always clear. You could look at the past, and you could look at what was being done today. Yes, several of the Emerald devs had dodgy posts, and yes, that was a concern. On the other hand, people grow, people learn and can you permanently hang someone for past mistakes? We looked, we talked, and we both used Emerald quite a lot. I took a break while I used 2.0 for 3 months to give it a fair shake, but when 2.1 beta was totally unusable for me, it was Emerald I came back to again.

Well, now we know. Lack of judgement trumped all the other issues, and Imprudence is what I've been in world on the past week. Not happily, not actually out of deep fear, but because there is a point where the trust was shattered. I will watch patiently and see how the team now assembling behind the emerald code base attempts to rebuild trust.

What I hate, as much as being let down and being placed in a position where trust extended was trust abused, is the sheer venality of the discussion. Anger, sadness and a resentment of the abused trust seem perfectly in order. The nearly gleeful falling over of each other to crow that they were right and trusting someone was wrong seems petty and childish. Nearly, dare I say as childish as the foolish actions which shattered the community's trust with Emerald.

I can't help thinking that these mistakes are made by people. In this case one person in particular, who failed to exercise mature judgement. I can't excuse the poor judgement, but I am struck that it was a person who made the mistake; someone who put a lot of time and love into something that they are now walking away from. I think that must leave him in a place as stark and empty as the valley that opens this entry.

~ Zha

298 of 365 My Emerald Apology

There is nothing of substance I can say about the Emerald mess that has not already been said. Still, I do want to formally apologize to anyone who used Emerald because of the post where I listed the reasons why I trusted the viewer. I presented my best thinking at the time and I stand by what I wrote. Sadly, the trust I placed in Emerald was off the mark and if my writing misled anyone I am sorry. Simply put, I was wrong.

I am watching the newly reconstructed Emerald team and I have to say I would not want to be in their shoes. The job ahead is enormous and the microscope of public opinion is inspecting every single thing they do. The fact that they are taking on this work and are not paid regular salaries to do so should not be forgotten. If they can pull this phoenix out of the fire there are ways they can make money off the Emerald viewer and I hope they are successful enough to do so. Sometimes great things can come from a crisis.

Now, I am going to offer an unpopular opinion. I am not going to excuse or defend the actions of Fractured Crystal. He abused the trust of his friends and he used Emerald users as a tool in his stupid epeen war. It was a colossal waste. Having said that? I am offended by people who are picking at his carcass and gleefully dancing on his figurative grave. I hope Fractured is able to learn from this and move on. My wish for him is personal growth, peace and a bright future.

As a community I hope we can take a breath, depersonalize this mess and talk about the many real issues facing SL.

297 of 365 Chester's 4th Rez Day

Spent time dancing with some of my oldest friends in SL today. Twas nice.

296 of 365 "Sullen"

295 of 365 Long Beach Island, New Jersey

This is what I saw during my evening walk. It beats any 365

Please do click for a larger view. You won't be sorry

294 of 365

It is impossible to be stressed out at the beach.

293 of 365 I keep hearing "We told you so" in my head

If you have not heard about the latest Emerald drama please read Katharine Berry's blog post.

Here is what ModularSystems has to say.

I am not going to misrepresent things. There are people who are part of Emerald I consider friends. To say I am disappointed does not even begin to describe how I feel.

Yes, I did download Imprudence. Yes, with the help of Grace McDunnough I was able to easily get voice to work. Yes, Imprudence will be my "go to" viewer from now on. I kind of like the color purple.

Still, I haz a sad. A big sad.

~~~

ETA: I am slightly amused that the basic text on this blog is emerald green and the highlighted links are imprudence purple. Those are the colors dear Ari chose when he created this template for me. I love the color choices and always have. Today it takes on a tinge of irony though.

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Arminasx wrote a great summary of SLCC. Go read it. It tells the story of when Zha and I met face to face for the first time.

291 of 365 Early morning thoughts about SLCC, friendships and life in general

Hamlet asked me to cover SLCC for NWN and I declined. I very much wanted my time to be personal and about my friends and that is exactly what happened. I paid (a little) attention to the talks and I attended the keynotes. (Well, except for Pathfinder's talk because at 8am on Sunday I was asleep.) I had little to report for NWN and have little of substance to say here either. But, that is not going to stop me now is it?

How can anyone be surprised the Teen Grid is closing? Hasn't the handwriting been on the wall for years?

Display Names - Huh? WTF?

Avatar Limits - At the "Avatar Ball" (GAH?!) I said to Philip Linden "What scares me is avatar limits." His response was "You should be scared." Then he launched into a long discussion of region prim limits and the impact of not limiting prims/scripts for avatars. In the same breath he reiterated "But I am giving you mesh." So, there you have it.

Philip Linden is charismatic as hell. I would say he is sex on a stick but that is a little, yanno, direct.

At the risk of being all high school and over sharing, I love my friends. I really really love them.

People are exactly the same in the physical world as they are in the virtual world. I had heard this and people assured me it was true but now I understand it in my heart. The upside of this is the things you love about people are magnified when you can look them in the eye. The downside, of course, is the things that drive you batty are present in the physical world too. Not that I had any chance to experience anything of that nature because my friends are perfect in every way, as am I. *cough*

Sometimes you see things at a Con that you might have considered would be highly unlikely such as Prokofy Neva chatting with Loki Clifton (who was associated with Woodbury University.) The take away message for me is meeting people we have conflict with helps humanize those who's actions we dislike. Its much harder to hate an actual human being than it is to hate an avatar or words on a blogpage.

I got to meet Zha in the physical world for the first time. We have been partnered over 2 years and live less than 25 miles apart in the physical world. For a variety of reasons (mostly me being a dork) we had never met before. I was really, really nervous but after about 30 seconds that went away and hanging out together felt entirely natural.

Ahuva, Dale and Oura are each brilliant wonderful people. Put them together and you have a whirlwind of fun, engaging conversation and if you are lucky a backrub too. Feed me excellent food and I might just moan for you. (wat?) never mind. What happens at SLCC stays at SLCC, or so I am told.

So, there you have it. Random neuron firings and useless information about my SLCC10 experience. Cheers

<3 Ches

290 of 365 at a loss for words

Zha talks at SLCC about interoperability and moving SL content to other grids

Click to play the video at Ustream if it does not load here.

289 of 365

I am swimming in the gulf
between words and deeds,
intent and action.

288 of 365 Processing, processing

I am back from SLCC. I am still trying to process what happened there in my mind. Overall it was amazing. I loved being able to hug people. There is nothing quite like looking someone in the eye and giving them a warm embrace.

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Today I had a few lovely conversations. One unexpectedly random conversation with a person who touched me, an amazing dinner with people I love and a long drunken chat with Philip Linden. I have to say it is funny when Philip shows up in the room. Crowds gather, people stand waiting for a chance to talk to him and others take pictures of him. I am not the fangurly type. I never seek an audience and I actively resisted being introduced to Philip. Its not my style to try to get his attention. However, my friends had different ideas and before I knew it I was introduced and shaking his hand. As a group we talked about interop, mesh, avatar names and IP concerns. It was a great conversation. Philip really listened to what we had to say, including our very negative statements about viewer 2.0. I will say he oozes charisma.

SLCC has been great fun. Have I said that?

286 of 365 SLCC10 is Mindblowing

Meeting SL people in RL is mindblowing in a very good way. What was I so scared about? I have had some of the best hugs and sweet good night kisses ever.

<3 Ches

285 of 365

Thursday at The Freudian Slip

For my beautiful daughter Sophie on the occasion of her 14th birthday

I told you the story of your birth last night, just as I have for each of the past 14 years.

I told you about the three miscarriages
and I tried to describe the constant fear I lived with
during those early days of pregnancy.
I spared you the descriptions of my morning, noon and night sickness
because really, what teenager wants to hear about that?

We laughed as I described waddling up to the entrance
to St. Joseph's Hospital in Milwaukee, Wisconsin
And how, despite being days past my due date, I was so sure
you were never coming out I made your father
leave my hastily packed bag in the car.

I told you about the wires inserted into your scalp
almost immediately after they strapped machines to my enormous belly.
I did not tell you about the drugs they pumped into my veins
and the fear in the nurses eyes.

I left out the endless hours of boredom
punctuated by brief episodes of abject fear
as the medical team decided when, and if,
they were going to cut you out of me
in order to save your life.

I skipped most of the details of that hot day in Milwaukee
and went straight to the part of the story
when the doctor put a vacuum on your tiny scalp
put his foot on the end of the bed
and pulled your limp body from my own.

Last night you asked me if you cried when you were born.
I am sorry darling. I lied when I said yes.
In truth, there were long minutes between when they pulled you from me
and when you made a sound.

There were so many people there I could not see what they were doing.
I remember the shaky panic in my voice when I asked
"Is she ok?"
I remember the extremely long silence before they finally said
"Yes, mama...she is fine"

Every year on your birthday you ask me to tell you the story.
And, every year I still think it was the best day of my life.

I love you sweet beautiful girl. Happy birthday.

284 of 365

Sometimes a friend saying "Is there anything I can do to help" means much more than they know.

283 of 365 At Lauren's Place

Thoughts on SLCC

I am going to SLCC on Friday and I am nervous. I have never met anyone from SL in the physical world before. Sure, I talk to some of my closest friends outside SL on a daily basis but I have never shared the same physical space much less shared a coffee with them. This may seem strange but its just how I am, I suppose.

I love my virtual life precisely because I don't have to think about my physical body. It doesn't matter and all of my personal hang ups about how I am too fat, too old, too this or not enough that just disappear. So, you can imagine how meeting friends from the virtual in the physical terrifies me. Not only do I have to deal with my own stupid hang ups but I also roll around in "now they will see the horrible truths I have been hiding all these years."

Please. I am fully aware how ridiculous all of this is so there is no need for supportive comments about how you have seen my RL picture and I am not the freak show participant my inner middle school girl imagines. I know. Really I do. Still, I obsess over what to wear and finding time to get my highlights touched up and on and on and on.....

This morning I came across the following sentence which stopped me in my tracks. I think this is going to be my new mantra.

"These days, I think the way I see the world is much more important that how I look to it." Kim Miles

282 of 365 My love is unmeasurable and unlimited

I reject the notion that my heart is big enough for just one love.
I realize this idea is frightening to some and immoral to many
I accept these judgement but I have to ask
what is it that scares you? I have plenty to give.

My children are concerned about getting their 'fair share'
They carefully eyeball the slices of gooey chocolate cake I offer
to be certain their piece is at least as big or, better yet,
bigger than the piece I offer the other.
I accept these actions but I have to ask
what is it that scares you? I have plenty to give.

Just as my heart is big enough to love more than one child without limit
My heart is big enough to love more than one adult.
My love is unmeasurable and unlimited. I have plenty to give.

281 of 365

What is poetry?

When do words on a page become poetry? I am sure there are rules about such things but I am equally sure I don't know anything about the rules. I always thought poetry took specific form and had characteristics like meter and rhyme. It seems to me that metaphor and imagery are part of what we think of as classic poetry. I have been listening to a lot of Slam Poetry on Youtube and its been quite an education.

"Take it from a girl who is half angel" Gabrielle Bouliane, poetry is simply an elegant set of words that express a deeply held feeling. Please pay attention to her message and when you are done note her poetry does not rhyme at all. Still, I dare you to say its not poetry.

words for Ulrich the poet who says he believes in me

I think in images. Linear, logical thought baffles me.
If then statements are beyond my abilities because
I cannot in good faith make the choice to limit my options to this or that.
I reject precision and strive for composition and depth of emotion
where the connectedness of disparate ideas create synergy.
My joy is built upon the light that shines in all of us.

And yet? I surrounded myself with people who think in ways
that are diametrically opposed to that which comes naturally to me.
The people in the world I love the most
spend their days in measurement, building and code.
Logic prevails, rational thought is king.

Is this dichotomy the yin and the yang of the universe at work?
Possibly. But, for reasons I can't fathom
I prefer being outside the main,
unfathomable to the special few who hear my voice
and with whom I share a taste of the sweet openness of my drunken heart.
I am the person who only sees pictures and words,
colors and sounds when the world around me thinks in binary statements.
The logic is as clear as the choice between chocolate and vanilla;
bananas and pancakes; truth or dare.

I choose to push the limits.
I take unnecessary risks because I like the rush.
I walk among those who cannot possibly understand
the way I think because I see how they operate and,
with the grace of a cat, move to the side.

I have always been a small moon orbiting.

280 of 365

(insert my bad poetry about frustration, stress and anger here)

279 of 365 The Care and Feeding of Chestnut

1) If I IM you please respond. I understand if you are AFK or busy or whatever. Often I am working or in another window and I don't notice your IM. I miss emails and I sure as hell miss notecards. I am not talking about the occasional instance of non responsiveness. I have one friend who has this really annoying habit of not responding to IMs. Its not personal -- I have checked and this person does this to other people too. I have decided I cannot IM you again. Ever. Sorry. Friendships are a two way street and the traffic runs at odd hours of the day, not just when it is convenient for you.

2) If I am having one of those "I need to be alone" moments, please do not take it personally. Sometimes talking takes more energy than I have or I am mulling over something I am not really interested in sharing. None of this is about you. If I have something to say to you, I will say it eventually. Sometimes I just need to be alone.

3) It drives me crazy when people misunderstand me. I try hard to communicate clearly and when my words or actions are misinterpreted it frustrates the hell out of me.

4) I am almost always tired on Friday nights so chances are I am going to be low energy, not very talkative and a little bit cranky. I apologize in advance.

<3 Ches

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ColeMarie Soleil dropped a bunch of her dresses on me last night. This one needed to be photographed at Insilico. Click for a larger view of the half naked glory of this outfit.

<3

How to Be Alone

Botgirl posted this video the other day. I love it and thought I would share in case you missed it.

277 of 365

Today I got to listen to Crap read 100 word stories with Jack Pitts, Mike1 Shamrock and others. I rarely get to go to the Wednesday readings because it is NWN deadline day. Today I managed to get done early and not have to fight with Typepad, which was really really nice. I have figured out that my formatting problems have something to do with my new laptop, Windows 7, or Chrome not playing nicely with Typepad. Or something. All I know is I used a different machine today and had no html soup and my formatting was not all effed up. So, I could listen to Crap read crazy stories.

Sweet.

276 of 365

"My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return."
Maya Angelou

275 of 365 For Ari

"Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom." - Marcel Proust

274 of 365 Greedy

I will never say "This is what I want" or "This is what I need." Asking for things feels greedy and self indulgent and I just don't do it. This trait is frustrating as hell when you have to deal with me on a regular basis. Over the past few weeks at least three people have said "Ches if you would just say what you want you might get more of it" or words to that effect. I know this to be true but when asked very directly "What do you want Ches?" words utterly fail me.

The truth is I am greedy. I want everything. I want time -- lots of it. I want unsolicited gifts and I want sweet offlines in the morning. I want photographs and love letters. I want the total focus of attention to be on me at all times, except for when I want to be alone. Of course, everyone is supposed to divine when that is because I sure am not going to say "hey I need a little space here."

Who knows? Tomorrow I may actually say "please pass the orange juice" or "I would love to take a walk in the park" or possibly even "I would really love to spend some uninterrupted time with you." Maybe.