Last night I had a short but intense conversation with a friend during which he said "I can't be consistent about anything except everything or nothing." In that moment I understood completely what he meant but as I think about it today, I realize the same could be said for me in many respects. "Everything or nothing" is why my "inner circle" is pretty small. I am just not consistent about keeping up with people and I tend to lose track of things. If I don't put the effort in to a friendship, it can easily fade into the category of "I really enjoy and care about that person but I just never seem to keep up with them." Which soon slides into the guilt I feel about not making time to nurture my relationships and then lands with a thud in the "damn, how did I mess that up" pile. Either I put my "everything" into a friendship or I fail at that and "nothing" is what happens. This is not something about which I am proud.
"Everything or nothing" is why I was able to write for New World Notes for two years. Once I made the commitment to take on the deadlines and the tedium of calendar keeping, the idea that I would do anything less than my very best never crossed my mind.
"Everything or nothing" is why I finished my 365 and took on a second year.
I could list about 10 ways "everything or nothing" applies to my RL job, my family, my glass and fiber art, my writing...honestly I could go on and on. Either I am on or I am off, focused and devoted or done and gone.
The inability to be consistent about anything except "everything or nothing" is a big part of me too, my friend.
4 comments:
Congratulations. Your eyes have been opened, but now you see. I read this blog every day. Quietly, preferring to hang-out in the shadows and just lurk.
Posts like yesterday make me sad to read, but I relate, as you already know well. This little blurp from me is in response to this:
"...Which soon slides into the guilt I feel about not making time to nurture my relationships and then lands with a thud in the "damn, how did I mess that up" pile."
I can't peak for anyone else, but wanted to ensure you don't plop our acquaintance into that guilt-ridden "mess-up pile".
I look at it this way, and would repeat this for all my friends and acquaintances:
"I don't expect you to think of me. I don;t expect you to always remember me. I don;t even want it. However, when you see or hear something that causes that weird flash-back in your head where I pop into your consciousness for that fleeting moment as you remember something I've said or done with you... I am more than content with that."
""Everything or nothing" has been my mantra since I can remember. Now, as for yesterday's post. We should talk...
;)
Oh, wow - this is so me! Although I've never thought about things in these terms, this describes exactly the way I have come to deal with many, many things in my life. Four years of constant, huge RL changes and upheaval have left me in a state where very few things make it to the "all" category. Hang in there and know that you are not alone.
I see you talking 'bout me!
Everyone is always talking about you FC. That is the way you like it, no?
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